Why did I leave you long ago, amidst the whiteness of silence? Why did I shake your hands off and run away when there was so much life in us?
Those innocent, instinctive, instantaneous moments of magic we shared! I would simple decide to come near you and we connected; we bloomed; we flowed; we laughed with joy.
Do you remember the time when we sang about the breeze of bliss? Or that time when we painted the ocean of awe? Oh yes, that time when we danced to the crackling fire of passion? In spite of this euphoria, I kept saying we are not meant for each other. It seemed too good to be true. I kept running away from you, in search of something else. Nay! In search of you in something else.
Peering into the past, those decades ago, when we first met. In that moment we got to know each other, it felt so right. As natural as breathing. But, as if it were a powerful breath that could bring alive every cell within. As our fingers touched, we weaved new worlds.
Still, I was not a loyal lover. I kept running away to have many an affair, it would seem. My excuse was those voices within that said, I must listen to what the world was saying. There it was, proclaiming, “Your love cannot be!” Shouting furiously, “There is no future in your love.” I am ashamed to say I let them convince me and so I kept running away from you.
Every single time, I tried to see you in others.
‘Yes, those eyes, right there. That will do.’
‘There’s a little of that smile. That will do.’
‘Don’t I see the shade of those hands? That will do.’
And so, I roamed, lost in the wilderness, searching, searching for you in everyone, and seeing not that you stood right there.
And that last one. It seemed as if there was a lot of you in there. It was almost a mirror image of yourself. “This is it! I have finally found you elsewhere”, I declared. Heart and soul, I jumped right in. Day after day, I kept moving towards that. But gradually, meaning was moving out of my life. It was not you. Turned out to be just a reflection of you… An illusion that pretended to be you. I shattered that mirror when I understood it was taking me farther and farther away from you. Making me lose my confidence in myself… In us. In what we could be. Why hanker after these bits and parts, when you are standing there, right before me? Why you in everything else? Why not simply you? Isn’t there a way to be one again?
Although I’m back here, it feels a little strange. All those years away making it different. I’m hesitant. I wonder often if I’m saying the right thing. I wonder if I can again, make you sing. I reminisce about our days, past. The way we talked. The way the world danced to our music. I worry about our days, future. Will I keep up with you, wherever this winding road leads? Will I take you places and let you touch hearts? The wise of the universe look at me and say, “Just be!” So, I dive into the entirety of this now, where we have dared to be together. Listening to the beat of the heart within and the beat of the keys without. I have decided to hold hands with this love of mine and waltz away. Yes, I have decided to write.